When the governor’s wife said that she didn’t know where he husband was on Father’s day, I knew that she knew where he was and that he was with another woman. I think that a lot of people knew that. But none of the news organizations raised the possibility. No one said, “Where’s his girlfriend?”. I’m pretty sure they were thinking it.
She said:
I believe wholeheartedly in the sanctity, dignity and importance of the institution of marriage. I believe that has been consistently reflected in my actions. When I found out about my husband’s infidelity I worked immediately to first seek reconciliation through forgiveness, and then to work diligently to repair our marriage. We reached a point where I felt it was important to look my sons in the eyes and maintain my dignity, self-respect, and my basic sense of right and wrong. I therefore asked my husband to leave two weeks ago.
I can relate to that. Infidelity is like a drug. The governor got hooked and can’t give it up. It is a completely self-centered act, and it probably feels very good for the one doing it.
Most models for human behavior have a linear basis. Some use two axis or posit four foci in a plane. The model I have developed is that of a matrix vectors, each of which contains a physiological component. The evaluation of the matrix will result in a single action being taken, but all of the components are there for any one of a number of actions.
I call them ‘narcissism vectors’ in a ‘narcissism matrix’. Each vector measures the essential question, “Do I do for you, or for me?” in some area. Each vector has some physiological component, a learning component and a perceptual component.
Some of these components are parametric. For example, when a person is in the throes of infidelity, their ability at self-perception is severely distorted. There could be a physiological component to this, e.g., dopamine is being generated at very high rates and it overwhelms the ability to make rational decisions.
The governor’s wife is also working in this model and her ability to make rational decisions will be impacted. She may be able to couch her position in strong rhetoric, but that doesn’t speak to the pain she must be feeling.
On CNN last night, Drew Pinsky said something like, “the marriage may have been in trouble and the affair was a result of that.” Yo, Drew, you deal with drug addicts all the time. Just because someone wants to feed the narcissistic beast, that doesn’t make the marriage in trouble. It was only in trouble for one of them. One of the pair felt trapped by responsibilities and wanted out. And instead of being truthful, that person engaged in deception to feed that narcissism.
In so far as drug addicts have any control over their actions, the over riding thought is, “I’m doing this for me.” A drug addict doesn’t try dangerous drugs because they will be able to help their neighbor. They do it for themselves. Addiction is an exercise in narcissism.
I can understand the sentiment of the governor’s wife, but I don’t think she did her kids any favors. She just dumped the weight of her failed marriage onto her kids shoulders. The governor rejected her, and she is passing the rejection on to her kids by being this public about it.
She had limited options in that the guy was out of the country and then back in the country and in the media. The best thing she could have done was a simple statement that she and her husband were having difficulty in their marriage, that the media may want to explore the political implications of the governor’s actions, that they leave her and her children alone to deal with this painful issue. She didn’t need to tell anyone about the separation or go into the detail that she did.
It is hard to keep quiet at times like these when you feel like you have been violated in the most intimate way, that your love and trust have been kicked to the curb. But keeping the kids out of it is the best move.