After all these years, I think I understand something. I have been wondering why I am not interested in the women I meet these days. I meet them, they are attractive, they are available, but nothing happens. We talk, compare notes, compare histories, and part.
When I was younger, wanting to be with someone was the reason I dated. If the dating went well, I asked “Do you want to go to bed with me?” At some point the question morphed into, “Do I want to go to sleep next to this person?” When I found someone I trusted enough to sleep next to, I married her.
What I understand now is that the bar has been raised to “Do I want to wake up next to this woman?” Do I want to be involved in everything she has in her life and want her to be involved in every part of my life. I think the subconscious answer is “No”, an answer reached without cogitation.
In the last few weeks, I have been around a lot of married couples in social situations and it is clear that there are couples who are connected in positive ways and I envy them. That is what I wanted when I got married the second, and last, time. It didn’t happen. Perfidy is an acid that can dissolve the tightest bonds.
Some of the women I meet in my daily life may be people that I could learn to trust enough to go to sleep next to and respect enough to want to wake up next to, but it hasn’t happened yet.