Pepper Schwartz has made a name for herself in the field of sex research. She is published many books about all things sexual. One of her last books was about her journey through her late 50′s after she left her second marriage, one of 23 years. Her blog on the Seattle PI had this bit yesterday.
Fidelity has its own rewards, and they include more than just avoiding ending up on the front page of the Enquirer or the subject of blistering attacks in the mass media. It is what you promised, and there is the pleasure of fulfilling your word. Furthermore, your feelings are focused, your energy is directed, and your issues have to be solved with the one person who holds the key to a harmonious and supportive relationship. It isn’t easy for people with a heavy duty sex drive or an ego that needs confirmation from others, but when it’s hard to do, it’s all the more satisfying to accomplish. Failing to do so has inevitable costs. Perhaps the worst cost is the dilution of the relationship- your intimacy is necessarily diminished and your energies are necessarily scattered.
That’s why, I think, there are so few “open marriages” that last. So few people who can handle “swinging”, and only a very small minority of people open up their relationship to polyamory (loving and having a sexual connection with more than one person in an honest relationship). It’s not just that few partners will tolerate sharing the person they love; it’s also because most people want to be faithful because it helps sustain and deepen a lifetime relationship. Furthermore, most people need to feel that they are uniquely loved and prioritized–if they love someone, they don’t want to be one of two or three partners, even if the person in question is famous or rich. Sure there are exceptions. Watch Big Love on television and you can see how polygamy functions under a theological directive, but even in that religiously supportive framework, you can also see jealousy and jockeying for first position. Try non-monogamy outside of a religious community and the vast majority of people will experience heartbreak and relationship melt down.
I think that most people are faithful, not because they were told to be, but because sooner or later, they learn that it works for them better than anything else. It turns out that fidelity is a worthy goal, even for a man who can have anyone.
Gee, who knew? Acting on the best principles of your better brain stems may not be the best recipe for happiness. Who knew?
The thrust of her article is about men who indulge in the lying and trustbreaking that infidelity entails. Why is it always the men who are assumed to be the cheaters? As one who knows too well, women are just as capable of cheating.
But then again, I wonder if infidelity was the cause of her marital breakup and on whose part.